Have you ever felt the need to scream, I NEED A BREAK? Have you ever felt like the whole universe, every living breathing thing is out to get you? Even yourself? You know, we all have those days that everything you touch seems to go wrong and you cannot think straight? What if you are being dragged kicking and screaming inside into a place of waiting?
This really can be disturbing because it is becoming more and more apparent that this break is being set up by the One Who knows me best. I am learning to rest in the knowledge that I am loved and accepted in the Beloved. I have to be honest, this is not all that comfortable for me. My love language is to do.. acts of service. To quote my beloved momma, “I have been saved from so much, He has given His life for me, how else can I show my love for Him”? This is an ingrained, deeply seeded trait for me. So to have the Lord bring me to a point of waiting, a place of transition feels like being in the wilderness. I am fighting the natural urge to cry out, “What did I do wrong?”
But, that is just it… it’s not about me! My life is not about me! It should never be about me and me alone! It’s not that I did anything wrong, but He is calling me to a place of rest. A place of waiting, serving Him and as Mary found, a time of the better part..
Martha and Mary
38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. 2001 (Lk 10:38–42).
Oh, I am Martha by nature but I crave daily to be a Mary by heart. I crave to have that intimate walk .. to really hear what He is calling and saying to me. And sometimes, what He says, what He calls seems to be wrong. or unnatural for me. I have had several dear sisters in Christ, out of the blue, confirm that I am hearing correctly. I have to be honest, at first, I thought I was being punished but then He spoke again. He seems to say through His Word, just at the right time, what He needs for me to hear and when I am able to receive it. This time is not just for me but also for Him. I am not being punished but this is a time to take my journey with Him, to a new place of finding that better part. To be at His feet. Learning to serve Him for Him..Worship and spend time getting to know Him in a deeper way.
In this journey, I am finding Him in His name…Right now He is El Roi. He is the God who sees. For many years, I struggled with the thought that my serving, my ministry at home to my family, etc, my life was unnoticed. Not being as important to the Kingdom of God. Even though I knew better intellectually, in the deepest part of me didn’t really believe it. So, He has been quietly, gently, steadily speaking to me of His undying love for me and that He truly sees me. He knows every part of me and even with my failures, He knows and loves me.
So, I am running to this time of rest. I am so glad, He is forcing me into this ‘break time’.
in His love,